


it’s your favorite game, but make sure i’m (not) your favorite toy

by atitforatat



Series: the romance series [11]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Daishou Suguro Bashing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Kozume Kenma is a Good Friend, M/M, Pre-Kuroken, Pre-Relationship, Toxic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24506398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atitforatat/pseuds/atitforatat
Summary: Kuroo knew, when Kenma looked disappointed, tired, with a bag of food under his right arm and the left one ready to hug him, thatthiswas the way real love worked. Not the other weird thing he had going on.
Relationships: Daishou Suguru/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: the romance series [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673896
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	it’s your favorite game, but make sure i’m (not) your favorite toy

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [This Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNl8kDDdnOo)
> 
> I'm not a native speaker and this is unbeta'd, so pls warn me about major mistakes and enjoy :)

It's already dark outside when Suguru ends the call. He doesn't need to look at the windows to confirm it, because he knows their calls hurt more at night, and it's hurting a lot right now, but he stares at his cellphone, nonetheless. 8 PM it is. He knows he should have considered ending everything since the start of the call, but somehow, he was aware that Suguru being the one to finish it was already enough symbolism. If he decided to be honest, he would admit that everything should have ended before the pandemic started, _way_ before. But he is the most fragile side and he knows that, without Suguru, he would be worse. Not all of his diplomas and languages and certificates are worthy when it comes down to holding himself up.

He wonders where everything went wrong. Again, like he hasn't been doing it almost every night for the past three years. But every conclusion only leads him to the one and only solution that not only his mind fights against, but his own body too. It's not like they've never broken up (believe him, Suguru has great pleasure in ripping his heart open and getting some weeks to fuck around and to let it very _clear_ that he was, and still is, not needed), but those never counted since he would never try to move on. His body wouldn't eat and wouldn't want to move, quietly waiting for the inevitable comeback of its beloved son of a bitch.

He is a Ph.D., and even if he was continuously making choices his friends never approved, he still is smart enough to recognize their pattern. The pandemic troubled it for a while and he still hates himself for actually hoping they would come out of it stronger. That _he_ would come out stronger. Suguru would be in a bad place with his mind or his work or whatever, he would bring back things that both of them know perfectly never went the way he still takes them and let the most idiot of them shoulder both their burdens while Suguru himself would feel immediately better while seeing him cry and apologize for mistakes he still knows he never committed. Then, he would ask for some time to _put his mind in order_ and see if they could still be together after this.

But they would still fuck, and he would still cook for him some days, and Suguru would say he couldn't stay the night because he had people waiting for him in the morning. Or maybe during the night. Nevertheless, Suguru always made sure to put _him_ on the same level of unimportance that his other lovers have.

It's funny how admitting to himself that Suguru probably cheated on him multiple times doesn't hurt as it should. He probably doesn't know how to feel anything close to love and to care for someone else or for his own image anymore. Not when he is stuck on a relationship so shameful that he has a fucking pattern of 'come and go' memorized.

They almost repeated the pattern when the quarantine started, but there are laws and regulations that forbid Suguru from going to so many houses to do stuff without a mask.

A bitter laugh escapes his mouth while he grabs a beer in the kitchen. He was never the kind to drink much while in the first years of college, but since he and Suguru got worse, his refrigerator has never been without at least one crate of beer cans. He opens one while carrying the other two back to the living room and the "mistake couch".

It's the only place in the whole house that he attends Suguru's calls, that he accepts the easy seduction, that he lets himself be fooled just once more.

He is almost hitting 30 years' mark, has a nice house, a very more than nice salary, and yet here he is still dealing with the continuous pain caused by a romance from high school gone bad. Some days, he believes, is 100% _sure_ , that he fully deserves what goes on between them and how it's breaking him. He doesn't remember who is, what he likes, or how to be by himself (even if it means the chosen company to avoid loneliness makes it even harder for him to be within his own body and mind after), so there's nothing to lose.

Forgetting his own self in the name of a relationship that doesn't have a future or even reasonable justification is his own fault, letting himself be dragged into this weird game of hiding and seek again and again was his own fault. Almost letting a good-for-nothing motherfucker destroy his brilliant career in the name of a " _love_ " he knows that has been replaced by _despair_ long ago is nothing but his own mistake. And he is paying for it.

He refuses to let everyone else in his life be dragged into this mess to save him.

 _Or almost everyone_ , he thinks while listening to sounds of clinking keys and the rustling of plastic bags. He is still deciding between going to the bathroom to wash his red and wet face or just staying and letting _him_ see the same picture of misery again when someone is already staring at his cheeks.

"Tetsurou", calls a quiet voice. It never escapes his notice that he used to be the one always barging in his best friend's place without asking or saying hello. He would laugh at the irony of it if the reason Kozume keeps coming here isn't so depressing. While being sure Kozume's support is the one thing keeping him alive, he's also ashamed because being seen in this state by his best friend is the last thing he ever wanted. It's even more shaming than to be going through this at all.

But Kozume never fails to get him up while advising him to do something.

"I wish you would take better care of yourself. I miss the times when you were the one yelling at me until I ate. I'm going to use your kitchen and I hope there's more than bad tasting beer there."

"Then I'm sorry to disappoint you even more in such a short time."

Kozume smiles softly and heads to what he calls the "cooking hell". Kuroo thinks he might have mumbled something, but he doesn't get the meaning. Kozume doesn't cook for himself, he truly never used his oven (or anyone besides Tetsurou) even though he lives in that house for almost 7 years now, but he cooks for him. And he even did laundry one day and actually bathed him in a very bad day some months ago. The difference between their relationship and whatever he has with Daishou is disheartening.

One can't even call it a relationship effectively when comparing to how Kozume treats him. Kozume never hurt him in any way or left him behind when he started growing up. He actually pushed Tetsurou as far as he could, doing the unthinkable to make sure his idiot best friend would have the future they dreamed of together.

Kuroo always feels like crying when he thinks about it. What he wouldn't give to have fallen in love with Kozume instead, he would probably still be in love these days. Of course, Kozume would never return his feelings, but he wouldn't even need to know about them. Their friendship is filled with more love than he ever had from his parents and probably Suguru.

While Kozume is cooking, he starts to talk about his day, he talks about each boring detail he would rather forget but always kept on his mind to entertain Tetsurou. He tells he saw Shouyou again, "he believed we were married by this time, can't you believe it? He even complained we didn't invite him. He always goes around visiting everybody and marrying people."

At that, Kuroo laughs a real laugh. Koutarou did tell him the other day that Shouyou told him to marry Akaashi already before they got too old for that, "I'm thinking about proposing for real though, you'll be my best man of course". "Of course", he answered his other best friend. It was unsaid between the awkward silence that followed that Koutarou would rather he didn't take his boyfriend along. Kuroo would rather he didn't either.

He tells Kozume about it, he looks excited on his way. "Keiji is planning to propose too. Who do you think will do it first?", but they both know Koutarou is impulsive enough and will probably win the run. Kuroo proposes a bet. Kozume accepts and says the loser will take the other to the movies. He knows it's his way of complaining Tetsurou almost doesn't leave the house, even before the pandemics. The food is ready, and they eat quietly.

The bright side of all this is that Kenma eats a nice meal at least at the dinner since he eats with Kuroo almost every single day. _Not even a deadly virus could make him let me hang, I guess_. He is a biochemist and knows too well that they are exposing each other in a very risky way. Kozume doesn't wear a mask after he closes the door and even if he is very careful at cleaning his hands and changing clothes and shoes, he's still risking himself. Tetsurou is too thankful and knows how imposing it all is to actually ask Kozume to take better care of himself while Kozume is risking it all for him.

Suguru leaves his mind just enough for them to eat and update each other. "Did he call today?", and Kuroo knows Kozume saw it all in his face when he got there. He knows about who he is asking even without a name. There aren’t too many ‘he’s in his life these days. It is never easy to hide anything from one's best of all friends. "Yeah, asked if you'd come by, sent his regards...".

Kenma has an ugly look on his face now, disgust written all over it. There is not a single thing he wouldn't give to make sure it isn't there. To make sure he hasn't caused it.

"It's funny how he only shows his jealousy when I'm here. It's like he doesn't believe at all someone else will come and steal you."

But Kuroo knows better and he knows that no one else would come and steal him. He still doesn't understand how Kozume hasn't given up, but he knows no one else will come. His grandparents maybe, but they're too old and tired, they deserve a nice and quiet life being sure they did his best for him. And they truly did it.

Tetsurou wonders if he should spill everything like he hasn’t been doing for the past week. Kozume knows it. “If it wasn’t such a bad sign, your complete silence about him would even be nice”.

And Kuroo knows it’s the truth and that he owns it to Kenma to at least be honest with him. He could lie to himself, which he did so much that he doesn’t believe himself anymore. That’s how Kuroo makes himself talk.

He tells about how he got suspicious but truly hopeful because Suguru called him almost every day. How the first calls were lovely, and he said he missed him and Kuroo could scream to himself that he didn’t love that man anymore, but he could never lie to Kenma. He tells how feeling important made everything more tolerable, how he considered going to see him. “I guess I just want to be the person he can’t live without like he is to me”, he says at some point and starts crying over how truthful it is. He can’t face the idea of really losing Suguru forever, the good moments they had, even if they were well-played theatrics, always call him back, telling him they could have it again. “He knows how to play me into staying and waiting for him like a well-trained dog, even if I take the time we’re apart to build some walls, he gets easily past them. He fucks me up at every single angle and then puts every broken piece together as no one does”, he admits sometime later. He hates what is coming out of his mouth because this time he knows he needs to say everything. “I think I promised myself it would a one-time thing when we saw each other again, but it’s almost ten years now. And not a single ring has been offered, at least he has the heart to not make me commit one more awful mistake.”

Nevertheless, the bitter way he says it tells them both he would like a ring. Their friends that date are all heading to the altar, but Kuroo heads only to the mistake couch, so alone it doesn’t even look like he’s dating at all.

Not that _this_ weird thing is like dating at all.

He tells how they’ve been on this push and pull for almost ten years now and he is so tired and hating himself but truly incapable of pushing the other away. He remembers how well he is played every single time they break up, even if he knows the other will come back, he cries and feels like death would be better than to be left for real. Even if he knows how better it would be if Suguru truly got tired of playing with Kuroo and just walked away.

But saying it to Suguru never proved any effect. “I told him again that if he needs so much space even through the internet, he should just walk away. He laughed, a man appeared and kissed his cheek, then he said bye. I mean, what am I doing, Kenma?”

Kozume gets silent for some minutes, which looks like hours and the clock tells him it’s past 11 pm, so Kenma is staying the night. _Like his boyfriend almost never did_ , the last drop of his conscience hurtfully completes.

If it came to such a miserable level that even Kozume can’t throw some words at him, then he truly can’t hope for better days.

"Kuro, why do you still do it?"

It’s been years since Kozume said he would only call him that when he came to his senses again. Tetsurou thought, at the time, his best friend was simply cutting all contact between them. He was ready to give up on Suguru right then and there if it meant keeping Kenma by his side, but Kozume would never be such a harsh person, _not with him_ , so he just said only the nickname was canceled. “I can’t give up on you, Tetsurou”, he said. It doesn’t sound like " _Kuro_ ", so Tetsurou never called him " _kitten_ " again.

Now, he wishes Kozume had left him. If he had done it, Tetsurou would move the Earth, would throw Suguru and anything else out, just to bring him back. But Kozume would never use his feelings like this, he _wasn’t_ Suguru after all. And the question he poses right now came in such a quiet voice. Not the bored one, but the tired one that came after a game they played well but lost, nonetheless.

He realizes he doesn’t want to be a nice but lost game.

“I think you stay in this because you don’t believe anyone will come. You’re hiding yourself in a shell just like when we were kids, but I’m here if someday you want me to come in and steal you from it again.”

“It’s something I could never ask of you. You give me your ears, shoulders, and lap to cry on. You give me your time, your unused cooking skills, your hard-earned important self. The last thing I will ever ask is your heart, kitten, if I can’t give mine in return.”

“Kuro, don’t you see? I haven’t given it to you. I’m not taking anything, I’m inviting you in, hoping someday you’ll invite me back, but don’t ever feel pressed to do it. Make it your place and take care of yourself, so maybe someday, you’ll want me in there too. I don’t mind if you never do though.”

It is the strangest and most metaphorical thing he ever heard from Kozume, but he called him _kitten_ and they are still side by side on the couch opposite to the _mistake_ one. Kenma was still smiling at him and not really expecting nothing in return, which was so different from the Kozume who does so good at the business for never leaving a contract with his hands empty. He has empty hands right now, but his eyes are full of something Kuroo wishes he might have one day too. _Maybe there’s hope for better days_.

It’s not going to be today, nor tomorrow and maybe not even next week, but someday he dreams it would be his turn to cook for someone who stayed, to sit on a couch that didn’t represent all of his mistakes with fluffy cushions and an ugly color. To look at Kozume and to know he isn’t causing his worries and problems but giving some love and care in return.

It would come a day he wouldn’t think of love as an endless game in which his only role was to be the underrated sidekick the hero never cared for. He thinks, while looking at Kozume playing something comfortably sitting on the mistake couch, that someday that couch could be their _right decisions_ couch.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading?


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